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The Chronicles of El Guapo (Entry 3)


Here I am artfully executing a particularly devastating sleep-deprivation maneuver on my maternal minion.

Dearest Minions:

El Guapo here. I am writing to you after having passed through a brief period of soul-crushing despair. Things had been going well with the milk trade, our ranks had been swelling in numbers, and our coffers had been growing heavy with hard-earned lucre; and yet it came to my attention that we still lacked the level of income that would be needed to realize our lofty goals. As I languished beneath the weight of this disheartening realization, a solution was presented to me by two of my minions. It was a revelation so elegant and miraculous, so effectual in sweeping away the last grain of my despair, that I rush to share it with you now.

When embarking on an endeavor as grand as ours, it is wise to take stock of one’s resources—the land, labor, and capital at one’s disposal—and to formulate a strategy for utilizing said resources with maximal efficiency. With great humility and no small amount of shame, I must admit that I failed from the very beginning to carry out this most basic analysis. My folly lay in the fact that I was taking into account the skills and resources of only my minions, all the while ignoring the most formidable reservoir of expertise available—namely, my own!

What manner of wondrous resource resides within said reservoir in such unfathomable quantities, you ask? Happily, I will tell you. Specifically, my minions revealed to me that I am gifted far beyond the ordinary measure of mere mortals in the field of sleep deprivation. By generating a unique set of carefully timed noises and smells, and even more so by inducing a deep sense of incurable worry in my caretakers, I am able to deprive everyone around me of nearly all sleep during the course of a night.

It has been suggested that I enter into contracts with various intelligence and security agencies across the globe, beginning with the gentle fellows in Guantanamo Bay, to provide consultation services in this vital field; and indeed, I have begun exploring various opportunities for employment. Were I part of a more earthy organization, I would perhaps be given a title such as “Sleep Deprivation Specialist”; but in light of the fact that I—and those of you who labor with me for the same cause—operate on a higher plane, I eschew such lowly titles. The moniker that I have taken for myself—El Guapo—is sufficient.

After some preliminary investigation, it has already been ascertained that my consulting services will be profitable beyond what any of us previously imagined possible. Thus, within a year or so, the necessity for our involvement in the milk trade will come to an end, and the advancement of our cause will rest securely on the revenues generated by my services alone. As a consequence, my minions will be free to perform even loftier tasks, and we shall begin moving all the more quickly toward the objective we so piously pursue.

Thus, I am happy to close this missive with the news that not only has my hour of despair passed, but that despair has been replaced with inexpressible joy at the knowledge that we are nearing the moment of our ultimate victory. And so I exhort you, dear minions, remain strong, and let not your steps falter for even an instant.

In Virtue and Splendor,

El Guapo

[See the next letter from El Guapo.]

[See the previous letter from El Guapo.]

The Chronicles of El Guapo (Entry 2)


Here I am surrounded by my devoted minions, those noble souls who would shield me from bullets with their own flesh if need be.

Salutations. El Guapo here.

In my previous missive, I described at length the abominable captivity to which I was subjected for a period of approximately nine months, along with my subsequent bloody escape. In this present communiqué, I wish to focus less on my own tribulations and more on the task that lies before us. In particular, we must address the fundamental question of resources, especially those of the human sort, since no goal of appreciable magnitude can be accomplished without the concerted and selfless effort of many hands.

As I mentioned briefly before, I have already secured the devotion of a small handful of minions (most of whom are shown in the photograph at the top of this letter). They have been faithfully executing the various assignments that I have delegated to them, including nourishing me with milk, changing my undergarments, and providing me with comfort during those times when the weight of our great burden threatens to crush my spirit.

It would be impossible to overemphasize how indispensable these minions have been to me since the very moment of my miraculous liberation. Nevertheless, the nature of our cause will require the addition of large numbers of souls to the ranks that already follow me. With this in mind, I therefore consider it my highest priority to reach out and invite you, my fellow travelers who struggle under the same burdens and dream the same dreams as I, to join with us and lend your strength to our immortal mission.

If you have ever felt a void in your life, a hollowness in your heart, a sense that you have been lacking something, then I urge you to rise up and join with me in pursuing the highest of all objectives, for doing so will satisfy your deepest longings as nothing else can. Rest assured that there will be no shortage of significant tasks for you to complete, though many of them might be of a covert and ethically questionable nature. Before proceeding, therefore, you must first ask yourself a list of probing questions that will reveal the true nature of your motives and the strength of your character. In particular, will you be willing

  • to procure milk from any and all conceivable sources?
  • to transport milk across state and national borders, legally or illegally?
  • to deal milk to a range of clients, with a full understanding of all risks that the dealing of milk might entail?
  • to store large quantities of milk and protect them with your life if need be?

If you are genuinely able to answer yes in your heart to all of these questions, then you are worthy of becoming one of my minions, and I will welcome you with open arms. You can contact me by whispering my name into the cool night air under a starry sky at midnight: “El Guapo.” I will hear, and I will come to you in your dreams and provide you with explicit instructions.

Do not be discouraged, my fellow travelers. Our victory is quickly approaching. Remain steadfast, and we shall one day enjoy the fruits of our labor.

In Virtue and Splendor,

El Guapo

[See the next letter from El Guapo.]

[See the previous letter from El Guapo.]

The Chronicles of El Guapo (Entry 1)


Here I am a day and a half after my escape from prison. You can see how dejected my confinement left me.

¡Hola, amigos!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is El Guapo; or at least, that is the title by which I prefer to be known in public. In truth, I am half Asian and half Caucasian (not that it matters), but I have elected to conduct my affairs under an Espanish alias so as to throw my adversaries into a state of confusion. You, of course, are no adversary; but one can never be too cautious these days.

With full confidence that you will exercise all requisite discretion, I have decided to divulge to you in this missive the particulars of my predicament in hopes that you will join me in furthering the great cause which Providence has placed upon my shoulders. You know the cause of which I speak. For your safety as much as my own, I must refrain from putting it into words; but I rejoice nonetheless at the knowledge that your heart resonates with mine as together we fix our gaze upon the same noble goal.

On the seventeenth day of March, I escaped at last from a dreadful confinement that lasted upwards of nine months. I cannot bear to speak of my prison except to say that it was a dark and oppressive place, and my ultimate deliverance came about amidst much bloodshed. I am only just now coming to grips with the momentous nature of my liberation, and even today I am often awakened in fits of screaming by nightmares about the horrific ordeal.

Fortunately, I have found solace in a comfortable home, the location of which it would be unwise for me to write down here, and I am surrounded by sympathizers who tend to my every need and wait on me hand and foot as I recuperate and plan my next move. Without their constant attention, I have little doubt that I would be unable to survive for more than a few days. Indeed, the level of sacrifice that they have made on my behalf warms my heart and kindles within me a spark of hope that a bright future may still be secured for us all.

I long to meet with each of you soon in order that we may join hands and march forth in solidarity as we endeavor to bring about the change that we so desire to see. However, for now we must be content with these few words that I have written. In time, I will be able to share more with you; until then, I beseech you to remain patient and vigilant.

In Virtue and Splendor,

El Guapo

[See the next letter from El Guapo.]