How do you choose a name for your child?
It’s a terrifyingly momentous decision that will have an incalculable impact on your child’s future, from her life-long self esteem level to her ability to get a job. It determines whether people will, when your child introduces himself, either nod in recognition or lean in with a confused expression and ask him to repeat himself and spell his name for them. Just ask E and Yo how their names have affected them.
Well, with a baby on the way, Cathy and I have found ourselves faced with the daunting task of choosing a name. We’re nervous about it, but at the same time we’re confident because we have you here to help us. After all, what better way to ensure that we make the best choice for our child than to leave the decision to the People of the Internet, a community of citizens who have proven their wisdom and beneficence time and again with years of constructive YouTube comments and Facebook posts?
Yes, that’s right, we are asking YOU for your opinion as to what we should name our child. But don’t worry, this doesn’t require that you produce a gem of a name from scratch. We’ve narrowed the possibilities down to a list of promising monikers, most of which are the names of revered characters in great works of literature, and we just want to take a poll to see which one the People think is best. Simply vote by leaving a comment, and our child’s fate will be sealed forever. Here’s the list:
- Peewee II
- Captain Ahab
- President Snow
- Dudley Dursley
- Santa’s Little Helper
- General Woundwort
To aid you in your decision, let me also show you a picture of what our child is expected to look like. Below are pictures of my wife and me (not “pictures of my wife and I,” thank you very much). Now, not to brag or anything, but I have written an extremely sophisticated program that is able to extract genetic information from physical attributes that are visible in photographs of two people, simulate the combination of their DNA, and then generate an image of what their children would most likely look like. (Yes, it’s actually possible.) See the impressive result for yourself below.
Adorable little guy, isn’t he? (Note: This is just the beta version of the program.)
Well, the ball’s in your court now. Based on your reaction to the above simulation, please choose a name from the list and vote on it in the comments. Or, if you are in a particularly creative mood, feel free to suggest a name that is not on the list. You have until approximately March 17, 2014. Cathy and I thank you in advance for helping to optimize our child’s prospects for a bright future.
NOTE: I’m experimenting with VIDEO. Click here to see the video edition of this blog post.