The Chronicles of El Guapo (Entry 2)


Here I am surrounded by my devoted minions, those noble souls who would shield me from bullets with their own flesh if need be.

Salutations. El Guapo here.

In my previous missive, I described at length the abominable captivity to which I was subjected for a period of approximately nine months, along with my subsequent bloody escape. In this present communiqué, I wish to focus less on my own tribulations and more on the task that lies before us. In particular, we must address the fundamental question of resources, especially those of the human sort, since no goal of appreciable magnitude can be accomplished without the concerted and selfless effort of many hands.

As I mentioned briefly before, I have already secured the devotion of a small handful of minions (most of whom are shown in the photograph at the top of this letter). They have been faithfully executing the various assignments that I have delegated to them, including nourishing me with milk, changing my undergarments, and providing me with comfort during those times when the weight of our great burden threatens to crush my spirit.

It would be impossible to overemphasize how indispensable these minions have been to me since the very moment of my miraculous liberation. Nevertheless, the nature of our cause will require the addition of large numbers of souls to the ranks that already follow me. With this in mind, I therefore consider it my highest priority to reach out and invite you, my fellow travelers who struggle under the same burdens and dream the same dreams as I, to join with us and lend your strength to our immortal mission.

If you have ever felt a void in your life, a hollowness in your heart, a sense that you have been lacking something, then I urge you to rise up and join with me in pursuing the highest of all objectives, for doing so will satisfy your deepest longings as nothing else can. Rest assured that there will be no shortage of significant tasks for you to complete, though many of them might be of a covert and ethically questionable nature. Before proceeding, therefore, you must first ask yourself a list of probing questions that will reveal the true nature of your motives and the strength of your character. In particular, will you be willing

  • to procure milk from any and all conceivable sources?
  • to transport milk across state and national borders, legally or illegally?
  • to deal milk to a range of clients, with a full understanding of all risks that the dealing of milk might entail?
  • to store large quantities of milk and protect them with your life if need be?

If you are genuinely able to answer yes in your heart to all of these questions, then you are worthy of becoming one of my minions, and I will welcome you with open arms. You can contact me by whispering my name into the cool night air under a starry sky at midnight: “El Guapo.” I will hear, and I will come to you in your dreams and provide you with explicit instructions.

Do not be discouraged, my fellow travelers. Our victory is quickly approaching. Remain steadfast, and we shall one day enjoy the fruits of our labor.

In Virtue and Splendor,

El Guapo

[See the next letter from El Guapo.]

[See the previous letter from El Guapo.]

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