Category Archives: El Guapo

The Chronicles of El Guapo (Entry 1)

El_Guapo

Here I am a day and a half after my escape from prison. You can see how dejected my confinement left me.

¡Hola, amigos!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is El Guapo; or at least, that is the title by which I prefer to be known in public. In truth, I am half Asian and half Caucasian (not that it matters), but I have elected to conduct my affairs under an Espanish alias so as to throw my adversaries into a state of confusion. You, of course, are no adversary; but one can never be too cautious these days.

With full confidence that you will exercise all requisite discretion, I have decided to divulge to you in this missive the particulars of my predicament in hopes that you will join me in furthering the great cause which Providence has placed upon my shoulders. You know the cause of which I speak. For your safety as much as my own, I must refrain from putting it into words; but I rejoice nonetheless at the knowledge that your heart resonates with mine as together we fix our gaze upon the same noble goal.

On the seventeenth day of March, I escaped at last from a dreadful confinement that lasted upwards of nine months. I cannot bear to speak of my prison except to say that it was a dark and oppressive place, and my ultimate deliverance came about amidst much bloodshed. I am only just now coming to grips with the momentous nature of my liberation, and even today I am often awakened in fits of screaming by nightmares about the horrific ordeal.

Fortunately, I have found solace in a comfortable home, the location of which it would be unwise for me to write down here, and I am surrounded by sympathizers who tend to my every need and wait on me hand and foot as I recuperate and plan my next move. Without their constant attention, I have little doubt that I would be unable to survive for more than a few days. Indeed, the level of sacrifice that they have made on my behalf warms my heart and kindles within me a spark of hope that a bright future may still be secured for us all.

I long to meet with each of you soon in order that we may join hands and march forth in solidarity as we endeavor to bring about the change that we so desire to see. However, for now we must be content with these few words that I have written. In time, I will be able to share more with you; until then, I beseech you to remain patient and vigilant.

In Virtue and Splendor,

El Guapo

[See the next letter from El Guapo.]

Choose a Name for Our Baby!

papoose

papoose

How do you choose a name for your child?

It’s a terrifyingly momentous decision that will have an incalculable impact on your child’s future, from her life-long self esteem level to her ability to get a job. It determines whether people will, when your child introduces himself, either nod in recognition or lean in with a confused expression and ask him to repeat himself and spell his name for them. Just ask E and Yo how their names have affected them.

Well, with a baby on the way, Cathy and I have found ourselves faced with the daunting task of choosing a name. We’re nervous about it, but at the same time we’re confident because we have you here to help us. After all, what better way to ensure that we make the best choice for our child than to leave the decision to the People of the Internet, a community of citizens who have proven their wisdom and beneficence time and again with years of constructive YouTube comments and Facebook posts?

Yes, that’s right, we are asking YOU for your opinion as to what we should name our child. But don’t worry, this doesn’t require that you produce a gem of a name from scratch. We’ve narrowed the possibilities down to a list of promising monikers, most of which are the names of revered characters in great works of literature, and we just want to take a poll to see which one the People think is best. Simply vote by leaving a comment, and our child’s fate will be sealed forever. Here’s the list:

  1. Frodo
  2. Zaphod
  3. Peewee II
  4. Zeekthrap
  5. Captain Ahab
  6. President Snow
  7. Dudley Dursley
  8. Rumpelstiltskin
  9. Santa’s Little Helper
  10. General Woundwort

To aid you in your decision, let me also show you a picture of what our child is expected to look like. Below are pictures of my wife and me (not “pictures of my wife and I,” thank you very much). Now, not to brag or anything, but I have written an extremely sophisticated program that is able to extract genetic information from physical attributes that are visible in photographs of two people, simulate the combination of their DNA, and then generate an image of what their children would most likely look like. (Yes, it’s actually possible.) See the impressive result for yourself below.


 My Wife        Me

DNA_analysis

The

result

deserves

some

suspense,

so

I

will

make

you

scroll

down

a

bit

to

see

it.

Okay,

here

it

is:

Our Child (Simulated)

Adorable little guy, isn’t he? (Note: This is just the beta version of the program.)

Well, the ball’s in your court now. Based on your reaction to the above simulation, please choose a name from the list and vote on it in the comments. Or, if you are in a particularly creative mood, feel free to suggest a name that is not on the list. You have until approximately March 17, 2014. Cathy and I thank you in advance for helping to optimize our child’s prospects for a bright future.

NOTE: I’m experimenting with VIDEO. Click here to see the video edition of this blog post.